The Q Team
by MisterDrBob
Summary: When Doom steals something very important to the Marvel Universe (or does he?) and the major heroes are all busy (or are they?) Nick Fury has to recruit a ragtag team of heroes to recover El Tranquillo Grande. Or does he? Well yes, actually, he does.


THE Q TEAM

Summary: When Doom steals something very important to the Marvel Universe (or does he?), and the major heroes are all busy (or are they?), Nick Fury has to recruit a ragtag team to recover El Tranquillo Grande (or does he? Well yes, actually, he does).

**THE Q-TEAM**

Nick Fury was sitting in his office by himself. He was eager to get away from all the noise and hooplah that came with being director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and knew exactly what would help him. He opened his desk, and discovered an unnerving sight.

"Wha-? It's gone!" He slammed a button underneath his desk. A klaxon went off and a red light flashed. "Attention all agents! El Tranquillo Grande is missing! Lock down the facility! Call in the Avengers! Get me a Mountain Dew!" Immediately all of S.H.I.E.L.D. was in an uproar. The weaker agents had fainted, while the stronger ones had screamed in terror. And you know what's funny? There's a strong chance none of them had any idea what El Tranquillo Grande was. Dum Dum Dugan burst into Fury's office.

"Is it true Nick?! Is it gone?!"

"I'm afraid it's true, ol' pal. El Tranquillo Grande is gone."

"The Avengers are being contacted. Nick, who do you think could have taken it?"

"There's only one man/woman/android/alien/mutant evil enough to pull this off."

"Of course! Howard the Duck!"

"No, no! Doom! Doctor Doom must have stolen it!"

"Great Scott, you're right!"

"Of course I'm right! And don't call me Scott!"

Fury pressed another button on his desk, and a screen came down.

"Calling the Avengers! Are you there?! Avengers Assemble!" The screen's static cleared up. The call had been answered.

"So sorry sir, the Avengers are otherwise occupied." It was Edwin Jarvis, Tony Stark (alias Iron Man)'s butler.

"Otherwise occupied?! With what?!"

"I believe they said something about Wanda having another mental breakdown. Nothing major." Fury swore.

"$&%! Well what other option do we have? Jarvis, El Tranquillo Grande is gone!"

"…I'm not entirely sure what that is Master Fury. But I shall tell the Avengers when this crisis is over." The call ended.

"We don't have time Dugan! Send a message out! Tell any available hero to report to the Helicarrier!"

Within an hour, five heroes had shown up.

"Whoa! Can't believe I'm on the Helicarrier! This is sooooo cool! It's like the Death Star up here! Oh no, Stormtroopers! Haha! Oh, hey, in my excitement I forgot about how cool it is to be in a fanfiction! Hi all you readers! Deadpool here to provide much needed comic relief!" Wade Wilson was indeed making his way down the corridor that led to the conference room he'd been directed to. Next to him Wyatt Wingfoot groaned.

"What are you talking about?"

"Hey, don't get mad Chief Bromden! Want some Juicy Fruit? Betcha like Juicy Fruit!" He said in a singsong voice, holding out a piece of the brightly colored gum. Wingfoot was really wishing he'd just stayed at the Baxter Building, but Johnny had asked him to go in his stead as he was busy on a mission with the Fantastic Four. And Deadpool's references to "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" weren't helping his mood.

They reached the conference room where there were two other men waiting.

"Hey, Molten Man! Nice to meetya! I thought you'd lost your powers or something like that!"

"Huh?"

"Ah don't worry, I thought the whole thing was stupid too. Man, Marvel's really gone downhill in the last ten years. Only thing really worth it is the movies. Unless we're talking about the Fantastic Four movies, or Ghost Rider. Those sucked. Oh! But there's The Spectacular Spider-Man! That's a good show, and you were great in it!"

"What're you blabberin' about, punk?" Luke Cage, aka Power Man, aka Hero for Hire growled.

"Oh hey, Luke Cage! What's up, eh?"

"How do you know my name?!"

"Answer him quickly."

"Wow. This went YouTube way fast. So the author is reduced to quoting stuff from Floating Hands Studios? And he told me he'd sworn it off. I suppose it's my fault though. I can't complain that there's a fourth wall for me to spend my time breaking down."

"Just—just shut up, Deadpool." Wyatt sighed.

Fury entered the conference room.

"Gentlemen. I must confess that I thought there'd be more heroes available. No matter. Well—"

"Sorry I'm late guys!" A young girl in a brown costume shouted as she burst in followed by several disgustingly cute squirrels.

Great. Just great. Squirrel Girl.

"Squirrel Girl reporting for duty!" She cheered saluting Fury.

"He-he-hello!!' Deadpool shouted. It was Squirrel Girl, one of the 'major powers' of the Marvel universe and one of his secret crushes. That's kind of creepy if you think about it.

"Oh hey Deadpool! How's it going?"

"Hold on there kid. What makes you think you can run with the big boys?" Luke Cage asked menacingly.

"Cage has a point." Fury said. "What makes you think you're qualified?"

"Well, I've beaten a wide variety of dangerous villains including Doctor Doom, M.O.D.O.K., the Mandarin, and even Deadpool here!"

"You got beat up by a girl? Dude, that's rough." Molten Man laughed.

"Shuddup, Raxton!" Deadpool muttered.

"Well, we do need all the help we can get. All right kid, welcome to…I'll figure out a name later. But you need debriefed. An item of great importance has been stolen. The retrieval of El Tranquillo Grande is of the utmost importance."

"So where is it?" Cage asked.

"We believe that Doctor Doom has stolen it. Which is why Squirrel Girl may be an asset." There was a grudging murmur of consent.

"You have a point, Fury." Wyatt said. "But what makes you think that Doom took it?"

"I don't think Doom took it himself. There's an anti-gravity disk in my office where El Tranquillo Grande was hidden. That can only mean that he hired the Wizard!"

"But how do you know it was Doom?!" Wyatt shouted exasperatedly.

"Because he's the only one evil enough to commit such a heinous act! Now let's find the Wizard!" Wyatt felt obligated to point out that there were several other villains evil enough (Magneto, Leader, and Kang came to mind) but he also felt obligated to keep quiet. He had a feeling nobody would listen to him.

It hadn't taken the 'Team That Was As Of Yet Without A Name' long to find the Wizard. He was floating in plain sight, obviously in a hurry. A squirrel to the thrusters was surprisingly effective to say the least. As he lay in a bloody pulp (falling ten stories'll do that to you) trying not to break down in tears, the Wizard was shocked to see that his attacker was a teenage girl who controlled _squirrels_.

"Alright, bub!" Deadpool said trying to sound like his old buddy, Wolverine, and aiming his gun at the Wizard's head. "We wanna know what you did with El Tranquillo Grande!"

"And we mean now!" Luke said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, I swear!" The Wizard said. "I was just trying to find that blasted back stabber!"

"Who backstabbed you?" Wyatt asked, curious.

"That no good human cliché Mysterio! We met to discuss our technology, and possibly team up against Spider-Man and the Human Torch like old times, and he stole some of my anti-gravity disks and knocked me out cold!"

"Mysterio, eh? Well Wizard, it's your lucky day. We won't kill you…yet."

"Who-who _are_ you guys?!"

"Who are we? We're a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we _didn't commit_. Promptly escaping from a maximum security stockade, we escaped to the New York underground. Today, still wanted by the government, we survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, and no when else can help, if you can find us, then maybe you can hire…the Q Team!"

"Oh you've gotta be kidding me." Wyatt groaned as Deadpool cackled uncontrollably.

"Actually I kinda like it." Molten Man admitted.

"Works for me. The Q Team is now a division of S.H.I.E.L.D." Fury declared. Deadpool chose to commemorate this momentous occasion by blaring the A-Team theme from an iPod speaker he pulled out of hammerspace.

"Now let's find Mysterio!" Fury shouted. Everyone struck a clichéd heroic pose and dashed off, having no idea where Mysterio actually was.

As soon as everyone realized that they were running around like headless chickens, they decided to stop and think things over. They had just decided this when a certain friendly-neighborhood wall crawler swung overhead.

"Hey it's Spider-Man! Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can!" Deadpool began singing the old cartoon theme as Molten Man rushed into the street.

"Hey Spidey!" He called. Spider-Man recognized the voice of his former enemy and now friend.

"Mark, what's up?" He asked as he landed on the pavement.

"We really need your help. Have you seen Mysterio recently?"

"Yeah, I was just heading to polish his fishbowl. Why?"

"We think he stole something very important to the Marvel Universe for Doctor Doom." Deadpool explained.

"Well, last I knew, he was holed up in an old movie studio. Typical of him." Just then, havoc ensued when a certain Doctor Octopus rampaged through the streets.

"You guys go after Mysterio! I'll handle Ock! Good luck!" And with that, Spidey swung off into another epic battle with one of his top tier nemesises (nemesi?).

"Okay guys. We need to be sneaky." Fury cautioned.

"Sneaky, Charlie, sneaky!" Deadpool added, doing something weird with his legs.

"Mysterio could be waiting for us." Cage reasoned. Mark nodded his head in agreement.

"Mysterio's a slippery guy. He could have anything ready."

"I volunteer Squirrel Girl to go first." Wyatt said pointing at the girl who was busy trying to get Monkey Joe to get inside.

"I agree!" Deadpool said, shoving her through the door to what they thought was Mysterio's control room.

"Whaa!" She cried as she tumbled into the room. The noise activated a monitor.

"We're no strangers to looooove. You know the rules, and so do Iiiiiiii!"

"Guys, we've been Rickroll'd." Deadpool groaned. An image of Mysterio popped up on the screen.

"Colonel Fury! And you've got a new group of Howling Commandos. How charming."

"It's the Q-Team actually!" Deadpool proclaimed proudly.

"Cut the chatter Mysterio! What have you and Doom done with El Tranquillo Grande?

"Oh it's quite safe. You'll have to find our headquarters first. The Masters of Evil await you!" The camera pulled back to reveal Mysterio, Doom, Whiplash, Mister Hyde, and Baron Zemo.

"Doom! So you did steal El Tranquillo Grande!"

"Indeed I did, Colonel Fury. You'll have to come to us if you want your precious Tranquillo Grande." Doom said darkly.

"Where are you Doom?! Show yourself you coward!"

"Oh, you'll know where to find me." The transmission cut out.

"Well that's just perfect!" Luke roared. "How are we supposed to know where he would hide?"

"Well, Latveria is the obvious choice." Wyatt pointed out.

"Yes, but it's too obvious." Fury retorted.

"Well sure, Doom loves flaunting his superiority. It's worth a shot." Wyatt argued. There was a general consensus to this, and nobody had anything better to do, so it was agreed they would travel to Latveria.

Several air-sick hours later, the Q-Team landed in Latveria. It hadn't been easy. Doomsport, Latveria's only airport, didn't allow clearance to giant Helicarriers. So they'd had to make their own runway. Namely through a relatively large village.

"Uh, guys," Molten Man said, "d'you think we might have been able to, oh I don't know, make a landing where there aren't any people?!"

"Nonsense!" Deadpool cheerfully chuckled as he jumped down onto Latverian soil.

"I think Molten Man has a point." Wyatt said to Fury. "Isn't S.H.I.E.L.D. supposed to be concerned with the safety of all world citizens?"

"Not when El Tranquillo Grande is on the line." Fury growled. "Castle Doom is about 10 miles away. It's gonna be a long walk gents." Squirrel Girl was trying desperately to find a squirrel that she could communicate their needs to. See, a funny thing had happened when Wade had 'accidentally' hit the button that opened the hatch where her squirrels were being 'stored'. Squirrel Girl _did_ mention that they'd always wanted to be buried at sea. She was having no luck finding a new buddy beside Monkey Joe.

"Do squirrels even live in Latveria?" Luke pondered.

"I don't know! I think Doom drove 'em extinct!" Squirrel Girl cried distraught.

"C'mon! Move it!" Fury called. The other three members had already moved on with him.

About ten minutes later, Squirrel Girl let out an excited shriek. Everyone turned around to see a squirrel chattering excitedly with Monkey Joe.

"The little guy says that there's a secret passage to Castle Doom not too far from here!" She said.

"Well, lead on!" Fury urged. The squirrel scampered off to a particularly large tree.

"It's under here." Squirrel Girl translated.

"Molten Man?"

"Got it." Within seconds, Molten Man had lifted up the giant tree, revealing the gaping tunnel.

"Let's move." Fury said, leading the way. The tunnel stretched on for what seemed like an eternity. Not soon enough, the tunnel began to slope upwards, causing Deadpool to trip.

"Man, it's about time!" Cage grumbled. The tunnel's opening could be seen ahead. Deadpool was still trying to get up.

"Okay guys, Doom's given us a lot of trouble in the past." Fury said. "Okay, I'll run in first and try and distract them, Wingfoot will take Mysterio by surprise, Deadpool'll try and take out Zemo, Cage, you focus on Hyde, Molten Man you take Whiplash, and Squirrel Girl will try and take Doom. She's done it before, so it shouldn't be a problem. Um, I think it's a pretty good plan, we should be able to pull it off—"

"Alright chums, let's do this! LEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOY JEEEENKINS!!" Deadpool screamed as he barged right into the room. He'd obviously heard nothing of the plan.

"Oh my god he just ran in." Wyatt gasped.

"Oh jeez stick to the plan!" Molten Man panicked as he rushed in after Deadpool.

"Stick to the plan chums!" Cage shouted as he followed with Fury and Squirrel Girl close behind him. The plan however, would clearly not work anymore. Mysterio had created a dense fog that was doing a pretty good job of blinding everyone. Hyde was grappling with Cage, and pretty much winning. Having the strength of twelve men and then having that doubled by the Norse god of evil does that sometimes. _Sometimes_. Molten Man was doing a pretty good job of holding up against Whiplash. His whip wasn't able to snare Raxton because of his slick metal skin, but Mark wasn't able to do much as the whip was keeping him in one spot all the same. Wyatt was trying to fight off ten Mysterios at once. Squirrel Girl was trying to intimidate Doom, but the fact that she only had two squirrels with her meant that Doom was literally able to hold her off with one hand. Deadpool was trying to use fatal humor on Zemo. It wasn't working. This guy just didn't laugh. Fury was sitting in a corner, holding his head in his hands. How could this have all gone so wrong?! Just then it happened: _A convenient plot device._

"What was _that_?!" Deadpool gasped in awe.

"I don't know! But it sure worked!" Fury cheered. The Masters of Evil lay in shambles. Mysterio's helmet had been shattered, and Beck himself looked like he'd gone a few rounds with the Hulk. Hyde was currently trying to untie the knot that had been made out of his arms. Whiplash was somehow entangled in his own whip. It was pretty inconvenient actually. See, no matter how he adjusted it to try and free himself, it had this funny habit of tightening around his windpipe. Zemo was gasping for air as he cackled at Zemo's plight.

"Was it something I said, or the plot device?" Deadpool wondered aloud.

Doom was the only one standing. He kept looking back and forth, unable to believe the sudden turn of events.

"H-how?!?" He asked weakly.

"I don't know." Fury said, "But I do know that you're going to give me El Tranquillo Grande."

"You fool! It was never here! I don't have it!"

"No! Who are you working for?! Who—" Fury seemed to have an epiphany.

"Oh sweet Supreme Intelligence." Fury gasped. "Those evil devious…"

"Uh, Colonel Fury?" Cage asked.

"Let's move! We have to get back to New York!"

About three hours later (the Helicarrier having had to reach a speed that was A. impossible, and B. highly illegal to make it that fast) the team rushed down the concrete canyons to an office building. Fury dashed up the steps.

"Excuse me sir, you must"

"Recover!" Deadpool shouted, slicing the man's arm off in one deft sword sweep.

"have an appointment!" the secretary wheezed as he clutched his arm.

"Way to go, Wilson!" Wyatt said, smacking him on the head. "So much for keeping a low profile!" Fury was ignoring this spectacle, and rushed into the office.

"You! Release El Tranquillo Grande!" The bigwig was shocked to say the least.

"Never!" he squealed, holding onto a big brown box, "You cannot have it! It's immoral! It's unhealthy! It's"

"Mine!" Fury screamed, snatching it from him. "The Comics Code Authority is dead! Accept it!"

"Whoohoo! Mission accomplished!" Squirrel Girl cheered. Fury wrenched open the box and took out…..a cigar.

"A cigar?!" Cage roared. "We went on this whole stupid mission for a box of cigars?!"

"We spent ten Microsoft Word pages trying to recover deathsticks?" Deadpool shouted equally furious. "That is so stupid! Even for the author, this is a weak plot! You said this was something important to the Marvel Universe!"

"Who ever said that? I said it was important. Since Marvel's ban on smoking has taken place, several of us have had to give up our iconic image! Now, one for me, one for Dugan, one for Howard, one for Jameson. One for me, one for Dugan, one for Howard, one for Jameson."

"What a colossal waste of time." Molten Man muttered, walking out of the office.

"Yeah, screw this, Fury. Next time you need help, don't bother askin' Luke Cage, Hero for Hire!" Cage fumed as he followed. Wyatt gave a serious look of disapproval, and silently left.

"I oughta kill you, Fury." Deadpool said. "But I have more important things to do. Ahem! MisterDrBob does not in any way endorse the use of tobacco products. Smoking is serious shizz people. It gunks up your lungs, and ruins your complexion. It gives you cancer too, and then you'll end up like me. I had cancer once. Then I volunteered for an experimental cure and look at me now! You don't wanna end up like me, do you? I didn't think so." Deadpool turned from your computer screen. "Well, now that this public service announcement disguised as a story is done, I'm gone. You coming Squirrely?"

THE END

* * *

Author's Notes: I don't even know. This idea just popped into my head, and I felt like writing it. This is really silly, and kind of stupid. But please don't flame it. The public service announcement is above.


End file.
